I just realized something tonight. I fight with my husband all the time now because i am petrified of
intimacy. My mom died when we were angry with each other. I had longed for her love all my life,
her approval, her acknowledgement that I existed, that I was, that I am.We stopped talking because I
was 32 years old and still being verbally abused by her on the phone 1200 miles apart. I decided that
I had had enough. So I stopped talking with her altogether. A friend had told me that if I didn't
respond to her, then all she would have was her own words ringing in her ears. So I stopped
participating. But then I started wishing she would die, not realizing that I wanted the abuse to die,
but not my mom. About 8 months after we stopped talking, she did die. Every day in the month of
January 1985 I felt like I should call her, every single day. But I would always argue with myself,no,
why? just to be abused some more? So I didn't. Then she died. I was devastated. I still feel so
terribly guilty. So now I make my life a living hell. I'm scared he will die and leave me, so I don't
allow any closeness at all. I'm really pissed. This isn't fair to me. I suffered enough as a child with
totally dysfunctional parents. I have been in and out of therapy for years. I have a relationship with
Jesus Christ. And yet I hate myself. I blame myself for the childhood abuse. I have destroyed my
relationship with my husband. I am so totally abusive. Lord Jesus, I want to give this up. Please
help me submit to you God. You are my only hope. You are my only salvation. I praise you God in
the midst of my misery. Thank you for being my rock, my shining light, my salvation. I thank you
my Lord, the giver of love and refuge. I cannot do anything without you, and your favor. I am like a
small reed, being blown in the wind without direction. Only you give me strength. Thank you for
my life. I bow down before you.
Love, Patricia
Sunday, August 4, 2019
Thursday, April 4, 2019
It just came out of my mouth........
It's funny how sometimes when you are talking things come out that you didn't plan. I was at bible
study last night, and we were in small groups. The subject was how we are included in God's family.
One of the scriptures was about how we are adopted into God's family. I myself was adopted as a
newborn many years ago. So I was talking about that, and then it popped out of my mouth.
How when I was two I asked where did I come from, and my well-meaning parents explained then
and there that they couldn't have kids of their own, so they adopted me. Wtf? Who tells a two year
old that they were adopted????? Apparantly the child expert Dr Spock did. WRONG. No two year
old knows how to handle that, no matter what the parents say or how they say it. Sorry, back to the
moment last night.
I started talking about the difference between God's adoption of us and my personal adoption by my
human parents. And then I hear myself say ' They told me they couldn't have kids, so they took
what they could get.' I was totally floored once I heard myself say that. It's no wonder that day
changed everything about my life. I was two years old. And totally devastated. A childhood friend
had told me a few years ago that when we used to play, sometimes I would stop in the middle of it
and say "do you have any idea how it feels to know your own mother didn't even want you?"
I am an adult now. Looking back, I can see how these things have colored my life and my sense of
self. I am actually glad that this came out. I can deal with it now that I know how I really heard that
information I was told so long ago. I am very thankful that I have a relationship with God as I
perceive Him to be. Onward and upward.
Sincerely,
Patricia, Daughter of the King
study last night, and we were in small groups. The subject was how we are included in God's family.
One of the scriptures was about how we are adopted into God's family. I myself was adopted as a
newborn many years ago. So I was talking about that, and then it popped out of my mouth.
How when I was two I asked where did I come from, and my well-meaning parents explained then
and there that they couldn't have kids of their own, so they adopted me. Wtf? Who tells a two year
old that they were adopted????? Apparantly the child expert Dr Spock did. WRONG. No two year
old knows how to handle that, no matter what the parents say or how they say it. Sorry, back to the
moment last night.
I started talking about the difference between God's adoption of us and my personal adoption by my
human parents. And then I hear myself say ' They told me they couldn't have kids, so they took
what they could get.' I was totally floored once I heard myself say that. It's no wonder that day
changed everything about my life. I was two years old. And totally devastated. A childhood friend
had told me a few years ago that when we used to play, sometimes I would stop in the middle of it
and say "do you have any idea how it feels to know your own mother didn't even want you?"
I am an adult now. Looking back, I can see how these things have colored my life and my sense of
self. I am actually glad that this came out. I can deal with it now that I know how I really heard that
information I was told so long ago. I am very thankful that I have a relationship with God as I
perceive Him to be. Onward and upward.
Sincerely,
Patricia, Daughter of the King
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
On Death and Pain...
I just had to euthanize our 17 year old cat, Mara. She has been in kidney failure for about 3-4 years.
She had been doing real well. In Sept of 2018 she was in remission. But all of a sudden, I noticed she
was a lot pickier with food, and eating less in general. And then just after Christmas, I saw that she
was going downhill quickly. I treid better food and she seemed to perk up a little. But no, what I
suspected from the start, finally happened. She's gone.
The pain is very real and very physical for me. It's sharp and swift, stabbing me in my chest and
heart area. It literally takes my breath away. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I did the
right thing. I did not want my beloved kitty to suffer. She gave us the best years of her life. It's just
that I miss her tremendously. The way her black tail would wave back and forth like a dog's tail.
Her very seldom heard but very loud meow. The way she would jump up on the bed and snuggle
with us under the covers. She would come up on the computer desk and lay in front of my husband,
just hanging out with him for hours. I really miss that, and all of her winning ways. It's only been 2
days, and I am devastated. I thank God for her, and the cats we still have. Even though they are
animals, they are no less friends and family.
I know the fresh memory of letting her go will eventually fade. And I will be able to see her in my
mind without pain. It's just really hard at the moment.
Thank you, my beloved Mara, for loving us so completely. I will never forget your beautiful self.
Love,
Mom
She had been doing real well. In Sept of 2018 she was in remission. But all of a sudden, I noticed she
was a lot pickier with food, and eating less in general. And then just after Christmas, I saw that she
was going downhill quickly. I treid better food and she seemed to perk up a little. But no, what I
suspected from the start, finally happened. She's gone.
The pain is very real and very physical for me. It's sharp and swift, stabbing me in my chest and
heart area. It literally takes my breath away. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I did the
right thing. I did not want my beloved kitty to suffer. She gave us the best years of her life. It's just
that I miss her tremendously. The way her black tail would wave back and forth like a dog's tail.
Her very seldom heard but very loud meow. The way she would jump up on the bed and snuggle
with us under the covers. She would come up on the computer desk and lay in front of my husband,
just hanging out with him for hours. I really miss that, and all of her winning ways. It's only been 2
days, and I am devastated. I thank God for her, and the cats we still have. Even though they are
animals, they are no less friends and family.
I know the fresh memory of letting her go will eventually fade. And I will be able to see her in my
mind without pain. It's just really hard at the moment.
Thank you, my beloved Mara, for loving us so completely. I will never forget your beautiful self.
Love,
Mom
Monday, December 31, 2018
Skin Cancer Mrsa and the hysterical patient....me.
Just got back from the dermatologist. It's now official, I have 2 places on my right leg near the foot that are skin cancer. The wonderful thing is, they are not the dreaded melanoma. (Read baaaad cancer that spreads.) So yeehaw thank you Jesus literally!
Who would think taking a biopsy on a small place on the leg could be so painful? Apparantly I have next to no pain receptors as every dang thing hurts me to the crying level. This was no different. They had to numb the area (read stick in a needle/inject a burning lidocaine dose). Only they had to numb it oh about 4 times. (Read major ouch!) Then they took a RAZOR BLADE and just shaved off some skin. Thank God for lidocaine! So far the lidocaine is still working. So now the hardest part according to Tom Petty-the waiting. Hurry up Jan 2nd!
Now for the second part of the story. I have MRSA. And I have an active infection at the moment.
Again, thank you Jesus! I decided to have them look at this as well. It's in the actual crease of my leg in the crotch area. Having had a very bad-could-have-killed-me infection this last January, I decided to be pro-active this time. (Not usually how I behave since i am a whiney-butt coward when it comes to the health issues.) I am so glad I did. I had a surgeon's appt Jan 2nd to see about removal.
Well, thanks to my sister-in-law, it's not MRSA. It's a condition known as Hydrodenitis Suppertiva.
I say Thanks to my Sister-in-law because she has had this condition since January and just now found out what it is. Even though it's a condition that can not be erased once you have it, at least it's not MRSA! Unfortunately the Dr had to take a syringe and inject me in the wound with steroids.
I thought that was going to hurt the worst but surprisingly it was the least pain. So now this part of the journey is done.
I have a lot of emotions about all this. I am pissed that I have the cancer. I am scared of the upcoming removal of the skin cancer. And i am also having sadness that it took cancer for me to realize i have been neglecting myself for years. All that time lost. Using my body to direct self-hate
against me. The self that is me, I am so sorry. How could I be so blind, so mean? I hope I can forgive myself. That would be an awesome gift for the New Year.
Thank you to anyone who reads this.
Sincerely,
Patricia
Who would think taking a biopsy on a small place on the leg could be so painful? Apparantly I have next to no pain receptors as every dang thing hurts me to the crying level. This was no different. They had to numb the area (read stick in a needle/inject a burning lidocaine dose). Only they had to numb it oh about 4 times. (Read major ouch!) Then they took a RAZOR BLADE and just shaved off some skin. Thank God for lidocaine! So far the lidocaine is still working. So now the hardest part according to Tom Petty-the waiting. Hurry up Jan 2nd!
Now for the second part of the story. I have MRSA. And I have an active infection at the moment.
Again, thank you Jesus! I decided to have them look at this as well. It's in the actual crease of my leg in the crotch area. Having had a very bad-could-have-killed-me infection this last January, I decided to be pro-active this time. (Not usually how I behave since i am a whiney-butt coward when it comes to the health issues.) I am so glad I did. I had a surgeon's appt Jan 2nd to see about removal.
Well, thanks to my sister-in-law, it's not MRSA. It's a condition known as Hydrodenitis Suppertiva.
I say Thanks to my Sister-in-law because she has had this condition since January and just now found out what it is. Even though it's a condition that can not be erased once you have it, at least it's not MRSA! Unfortunately the Dr had to take a syringe and inject me in the wound with steroids.
I thought that was going to hurt the worst but surprisingly it was the least pain. So now this part of the journey is done.
I have a lot of emotions about all this. I am pissed that I have the cancer. I am scared of the upcoming removal of the skin cancer. And i am also having sadness that it took cancer for me to realize i have been neglecting myself for years. All that time lost. Using my body to direct self-hate
against me. The self that is me, I am so sorry. How could I be so blind, so mean? I hope I can forgive myself. That would be an awesome gift for the New Year.
Thank you to anyone who reads this.
Sincerely,
Patricia
Wednesday, November 14, 2018
On being used (by God)
I know it's been a while since I wrote. I have to be moved pretty deeply to do something so disciplined as write. And I am moved today.
I am a born again Christian. I don't write about this a lot, but it's not due to any shame. I have always erred on the side of not being a pusher. God lets me know when He wants me to say something.
I have been getting closer to Him lately, and am having more experiences where He leads me exactly where He wants me. Today is a good example.
I served at my food pantry today as a volunteer. I usually serve on Wednesdays and Fridays. Lately I have been asking God to show me the people that He wants me to help out with prayers. I prayed with and for a couple of people today. So I got home early afternoon and was doing things here and my husband says Oh by the way, the toilet isn't working right. I was like oh damn I didn't want to hear that. Our fourplex had just been sold and i have no idea how to reach the new owners. So I was stewing about the apartment just lightly foaming at the mouth. (That's good, usually I am steamrolling about the apartment.)
So I was trying to decide what to do, walk to the store and get a plunger with my last couple dollars, or what? Then I got a bright idea. See if there are any neighbors I could borrow a plunger from.
So I walk outside and look at all the neighboring 4 plexes. There gad been a cluster of people at the next door plex, but now they were all gone. So I see the next one over has a woman at her car with the hood up. So I just head over there. I asked her and she said sure. So then I asked if she could use some food, as I had some things that would go to waste in our house. The answer was yes, in fact she said she had been wondering what she was going to do for herself and her two dogs. Turns out they basically had next to nothing. So I took her some food and used the plunger and just like that the toilet was fixed.
This was truly a God thing. I had asked to be used by God and here He used a toilet to introduce me to a neighbor that I never would have known who really needed some help. I am going to church tonite to bible study and will get some more things for her. God has been truly awesome to me and my husband time out of mind. It makes me feel so good to help someone else like this. I am taking no credit here. God used me and it's awesome. And by the way, earlier when I said I got a bright idea? Once again it was His idea. Just sayin'.
I am a born again Christian. I don't write about this a lot, but it's not due to any shame. I have always erred on the side of not being a pusher. God lets me know when He wants me to say something.
I have been getting closer to Him lately, and am having more experiences where He leads me exactly where He wants me. Today is a good example.
I served at my food pantry today as a volunteer. I usually serve on Wednesdays and Fridays. Lately I have been asking God to show me the people that He wants me to help out with prayers. I prayed with and for a couple of people today. So I got home early afternoon and was doing things here and my husband says Oh by the way, the toilet isn't working right. I was like oh damn I didn't want to hear that. Our fourplex had just been sold and i have no idea how to reach the new owners. So I was stewing about the apartment just lightly foaming at the mouth. (That's good, usually I am steamrolling about the apartment.)
So I was trying to decide what to do, walk to the store and get a plunger with my last couple dollars, or what? Then I got a bright idea. See if there are any neighbors I could borrow a plunger from.
So I walk outside and look at all the neighboring 4 plexes. There gad been a cluster of people at the next door plex, but now they were all gone. So I see the next one over has a woman at her car with the hood up. So I just head over there. I asked her and she said sure. So then I asked if she could use some food, as I had some things that would go to waste in our house. The answer was yes, in fact she said she had been wondering what she was going to do for herself and her two dogs. Turns out they basically had next to nothing. So I took her some food and used the plunger and just like that the toilet was fixed.
This was truly a God thing. I had asked to be used by God and here He used a toilet to introduce me to a neighbor that I never would have known who really needed some help. I am going to church tonite to bible study and will get some more things for her. God has been truly awesome to me and my husband time out of mind. It makes me feel so good to help someone else like this. I am taking no credit here. God used me and it's awesome. And by the way, earlier when I said I got a bright idea? Once again it was His idea. Just sayin'.
Monday, August 20, 2018
The Found and the Surliness
The Found and the Surliness
I was molested as a child, mentally emotionally and physically. I have been fighting this knowledge for years. Pressing it down, doing what Veruca Salt sings about in her song, Seether. "I tried to rock her in the cradle. I tried to knock her out. I tried to cram her back in my mouth."
Well, I just got thru binge watching a show i just heard about. One Mississippi with this awesome actress comedian, Tig Notaro. It's semi autobiographical. She was molested as a child. Years later she comes home for her mother's funeral and lots of things happen.
There were only 2 short seasons. The great thing is, I used this show to try and help myself break thru my denial. You see, i am also the seether, and my life is so messed up at this point I am nothing but angry all the time. Can't relate to my husband at all. Havent' had sex in 5 years. Bottom line, hate myself for being a victim. All because of denial. Didn't want to admit any of this to myself. Sure didn't want to own it. Much less feel it. Thank you Tig, for this show. Thank you for sharing yourself unashamedly. I am shaking right now due to long repressed emotions about being victimized. I think the anger is finally breaking thru to my conscious self. I now see I had repressed the anger because if I let it out it would really be real.
Well it is REAL. Seriously freakin livid. The last song from the last episode is Alive by Sia. So totally appropriate. Just a few of the lyrics are "You took everything, I'm still breathing."
Omg. I have found my anger, the real anger. What a total relief. I was so afraid that I would just crumble into a little heap in a corner somewhere and die.
This pain is so intense. Just found another song by Sia "Bird Set Free". A lyric says "there's a scream inside". So totally true. I have literally been screaming inside for years. I have finally realized it has to be screamed aloud.
I really want to be done with this repression. I will now call a spade a spade.
I am a SURVIVOR! I was so ashamed. I blamed myself and used denial to facilitate the secrecy
that is demanded with regards to this subject by most of society. Thank God literally for the truth.
I believed that truth would set me free from everything except this one area. Well truth sets everything free, even sexual abuse/violation/molestation. How could I have been so totally blind?
The denial allowed me to be abusive, especially to the people I love. If I deny love, then I can pretend nothing ever happened. Because that means I don't feel anything. Except I do. I did and do feel everything.
Thank you a million times, Tig Notaro.
I was molested as a child, mentally emotionally and physically. I have been fighting this knowledge for years. Pressing it down, doing what Veruca Salt sings about in her song, Seether. "I tried to rock her in the cradle. I tried to knock her out. I tried to cram her back in my mouth."
Well, I just got thru binge watching a show i just heard about. One Mississippi with this awesome actress comedian, Tig Notaro. It's semi autobiographical. She was molested as a child. Years later she comes home for her mother's funeral and lots of things happen.
There were only 2 short seasons. The great thing is, I used this show to try and help myself break thru my denial. You see, i am also the seether, and my life is so messed up at this point I am nothing but angry all the time. Can't relate to my husband at all. Havent' had sex in 5 years. Bottom line, hate myself for being a victim. All because of denial. Didn't want to admit any of this to myself. Sure didn't want to own it. Much less feel it. Thank you Tig, for this show. Thank you for sharing yourself unashamedly. I am shaking right now due to long repressed emotions about being victimized. I think the anger is finally breaking thru to my conscious self. I now see I had repressed the anger because if I let it out it would really be real.
Well it is REAL. Seriously freakin livid. The last song from the last episode is Alive by Sia. So totally appropriate. Just a few of the lyrics are "You took everything, I'm still breathing."
Omg. I have found my anger, the real anger. What a total relief. I was so afraid that I would just crumble into a little heap in a corner somewhere and die.
This pain is so intense. Just found another song by Sia "Bird Set Free". A lyric says "there's a scream inside". So totally true. I have literally been screaming inside for years. I have finally realized it has to be screamed aloud.
I really want to be done with this repression. I will now call a spade a spade.
I am a SURVIVOR! I was so ashamed. I blamed myself and used denial to facilitate the secrecy
that is demanded with regards to this subject by most of society. Thank God literally for the truth.
I believed that truth would set me free from everything except this one area. Well truth sets everything free, even sexual abuse/violation/molestation. How could I have been so totally blind?
The denial allowed me to be abusive, especially to the people I love. If I deny love, then I can pretend nothing ever happened. Because that means I don't feel anything. Except I do. I did and do feel everything.
Thank you a million times, Tig Notaro.
Sunday, July 8, 2018
The Problem with Lying
The problem with lying
I had a really horrible upbringing. My mom had manic-depression, which I didn’t figure out until way long after she had died. I grew up in/on an emotional battlefield. The problem with that is this. On a real battlefield, you can pretty much tell where the danger is. Not so much on an emotional battlefield.
Places that you had thought were safe can turn almost instantly into very dangerous environments.
The battlefields change too, sometimes from minute to minute. There absolutely are no rules at all.
So, I learned to lie. Not to mention the biggest original lie of all, the “We love each other, can’t you tell by the smiles in the millions of warm family photos?”
Unfortunately, I am still lying in my current life. Most of all to myself. But also to others in my life.
This is a huge problem. For one thing because I am a born again Christian. So lying is absolutely not ok. Talk about huge hypocrisy. Lying is insidious. And people don’t trust you once they find out.
I mean, who can blame them? Would I believe me if I were them? Of course not.
And there is a huge question of self trust. What the heck is that? I have no credibility with myself.
I must tell you this is extremely painful. And the worst part of this for my husband and friends is, I don’t always lie. I’m really sad about this. It has to stop or I won’t have any friends and certainly not a husband. It seems like such a simple problem, but it’s not. There are layers upon layers in this head of mine. I am hoping that the meditations and the writing will help me strip the layers off.
I want to be good. I want to be honest. I want to be a person that does the right thing. I can only start by being good to myself. And that means facing the horrible truths about myself and accepting them.
I have hated myself for far too long. The lying is a huge reason why. I’m stepping up to the plate.
Please let me be able to come to terms with myself.
starknaked patricia
I had a really horrible upbringing. My mom had manic-depression, which I didn’t figure out until way long after she had died. I grew up in/on an emotional battlefield. The problem with that is this. On a real battlefield, you can pretty much tell where the danger is. Not so much on an emotional battlefield.
Places that you had thought were safe can turn almost instantly into very dangerous environments.
The battlefields change too, sometimes from minute to minute. There absolutely are no rules at all.
So, I learned to lie. Not to mention the biggest original lie of all, the “We love each other, can’t you tell by the smiles in the millions of warm family photos?”
Unfortunately, I am still lying in my current life. Most of all to myself. But also to others in my life.
This is a huge problem. For one thing because I am a born again Christian. So lying is absolutely not ok. Talk about huge hypocrisy. Lying is insidious. And people don’t trust you once they find out.
I mean, who can blame them? Would I believe me if I were them? Of course not.
And there is a huge question of self trust. What the heck is that? I have no credibility with myself.
I must tell you this is extremely painful. And the worst part of this for my husband and friends is, I don’t always lie. I’m really sad about this. It has to stop or I won’t have any friends and certainly not a husband. It seems like such a simple problem, but it’s not. There are layers upon layers in this head of mine. I am hoping that the meditations and the writing will help me strip the layers off.
I want to be good. I want to be honest. I want to be a person that does the right thing. I can only start by being good to myself. And that means facing the horrible truths about myself and accepting them.
I have hated myself for far too long. The lying is a huge reason why. I’m stepping up to the plate.
Please let me be able to come to terms with myself.
starknaked patricia
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