I'm terrified of intimacy

I just realized something tonight.  I fight with my husband all the time now because i am petrified of

intimacy.   My mom died when we were angry with each other.  I had longed for her love all my life,

her approval,  her acknowledgement that I existed, that I was, that I am.We stopped talking because I

was 32 years old and still being verbally abused by her on the phone 1200 miles apart.  I decided that

I had had enough.  So I stopped talking with her altogether.  A friend had told me that if I didn't

respond to her, then all she would have was her own words ringing in her ears.  So I stopped

participating.  But then I started wishing she would die, not realizing that I wanted the abuse to die,

but not my mom.  About 8 months after we stopped talking, she did die.    Every day in the month of

January 1985 I felt like I should call her, every single day.  But I would always argue with myself,no,

why? just to be abused some more?  So I didn't.   Then she died.  I was devastated.  I still feel so

terribly guilty.  So now I make my life a living hell.  I'm scared he will die and leave me, so I don't

allow any closeness at all.  I'm really pissed.  This isn't fair to me.  I suffered enough as a child with

totally dysfunctional parents.  I have been in and out of therapy for years.  I have a relationship with

Jesus Christ.  And yet I hate myself.  I blame myself for the childhood abuse.  I have destroyed my

relationship with my husband.   I am so totally abusive.  Lord Jesus, I want to give this up.  Please

help me submit to you God.  You are my only hope.   You are my only salvation.  I praise you God in

the midst of my misery.  Thank you for being my rock, my shining light, my salvation.   I thank you

my Lord, the giver of love and refuge.  I cannot do anything without you, and your favor.  I am like a

small reed, being blown in the wind without direction.  Only you give me strength.  Thank you for

my life.  I bow down before you.


Love, Patricia

It just came out of my mouth........

It's funny how sometimes when you are talking things come out that you didn't plan.  I was at bible

study last night, and we were in small groups.  The subject was how we are included in God's family.

One of the scriptures was about how we are adopted into God's family.  I myself was adopted as a

newborn many years ago.  So I was talking about that, and then it popped out of my mouth.

How when I was two I asked where did I come from, and my well-meaning parents explained then

and there that they couldn't have kids of their own, so they adopted me.  Wtf?   Who tells a two year

old that they were adopted?????  Apparantly the child expert Dr Spock did.  WRONG.  No two year

 old knows how to handle that, no matter what the parents say or how they say it.  Sorry, back to the

moment last night.

I started talking about the difference between God's adoption of us and my personal adoption by my

human parents.   And then I hear myself say ' They told me they couldn't have kids, so they took

what they could get.'    I was totally floored once I heard myself say that.   It's no wonder that day

changed everything about my life.  I was two years old.  And totally devastated.  A childhood friend

had told me a few years ago that when we used to play, sometimes I would stop in the middle of it

and say "do you have any idea how it feels to know your own mother didn't even want you?" 


I am an adult now. Looking back, I can see how these things have colored my life and my sense of

self.  I am actually glad that this came out.  I can deal with it now that I know how I really heard that

information I was told so long ago.  I am very thankful that I have a relationship with God as I

perceive Him to be.   Onward and upward.



Sincerely,

Patricia, Daughter of the King

On Death and Pain...

I just had to euthanize our 17 year old cat, Mara.  She has been in kidney failure for about 3-4 years. 

She had been doing real well. In Sept of 2018 she was in remission.  But all of a sudden, I noticed she

was a lot pickier with food, and eating less in general.  And then just after Christmas, I saw that she

was going downhill quickly.   I treid better food and she seemed to perk up a little.  But no, what I

suspected from the start, finally happened.   She's gone.

The pain is very real and very physical for me.  It's sharp and swift, stabbing me in my chest and

heart area.  It literally takes my breath away.  I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I did the

right thing.  I did not want my beloved kitty to suffer.  She gave us the best years of her life.  It's just

that I miss her tremendously.  The way her black tail would wave back and forth like a dog's tail. 

Her very seldom heard but very loud meow.  The way she would jump up on the bed and snuggle

with us under the covers.   She would come up on the computer desk and lay in front of my husband,

just hanging out with him for hours.   I really miss that, and all of her winning ways.   It's only been 2

days, and I am devastated. I thank God for her, and the cats we still have.  Even though they are

animals, they are no less friends and family.

I know the fresh memory of letting her go will eventually fade.  And I will be able to see her in my

mind without pain.  It's just really hard at the moment.

Thank you, my beloved Mara, for loving us so completely.   I will never forget your beautiful self.

Love,
Mom