It's day 5 of my new meditation practice.
Today I was asked to start to sense body discomfort, and more importantly
my reaction to it. My body has deep sorrow in it. It was hard for me to do the meditation all the way after sensing my sorrow.
Tears are still rolling down my face and I'm awash with grief.
Years of me using my body to drown my grief with food or drugs. The meditation guide said to give in to the pain instead of fighting it. I am doing that. I was so scared, afraid that the pain would swallow me up until there was nothing there but hurt. No self, just hurt.
Amazing but true, I'm not gone or erased due to the intense pain. In fact, feeling it and allowing it to be has had just the opposite effect. Once I allowed the grief to be, it subsided. In fact I feel quite a bit better. There is a difference now in how I'm experiencing this pain. I am aware that it's in my body, instead of masking it. I was afraid the awareness again would remove everything else.
Instead, I feel more at peace from letting it BE.
I see that this meditation is, among other things, a way to really know myself. I was so afraid of that
before i started this. Now I see it's ok to have a self.
Now if I can just stop eating sugar.
Slowly existing Patricia
Saturday, June 23, 2018
Wednesday, June 20, 2018
Meditation Musings day 2: Budding Awareness"
Second day of meditation series. Even though it’s only day 2, a subtle shift is happening already.
I now catch myself looking at my surroundings, really looking. I used to look without seeing.
That’s changing.
I have huge anger issues. Today I was walking and needed to cross the street. I got mad because a car came along and I had to wait. I forgot to mention it was raining and I had no umbrella. So I cussed the car out. Immediately I was like, wow, what a waste of energy. I was also reminded that I had just thrown a handful of negative energy into the collective environment.
It’s the everyday moments like that, that matter in the overall picture. I begin to see that after years of little moments like this we all of a sudden look again and see OMG where did that reservoir of anger come from?
Why do I always feel like there is a huge ball of molten lava in my chest? Because of moments like these. Especially if you never find a way to release them.
So little moments are starting to change things for me. I used to fear change tremendously. I now see that change can actually free me from things I hate to begin with, much less enjoy doing. Hallelujah, I can stop being my mother and father thru behavior, and let them rest in peace.
Do not be afraid, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Patricia
I now catch myself looking at my surroundings, really looking. I used to look without seeing.
That’s changing.
I have huge anger issues. Today I was walking and needed to cross the street. I got mad because a car came along and I had to wait. I forgot to mention it was raining and I had no umbrella. So I cussed the car out. Immediately I was like, wow, what a waste of energy. I was also reminded that I had just thrown a handful of negative energy into the collective environment.
It’s the everyday moments like that, that matter in the overall picture. I begin to see that after years of little moments like this we all of a sudden look again and see OMG where did that reservoir of anger come from?
Why do I always feel like there is a huge ball of molten lava in my chest? Because of moments like these. Especially if you never find a way to release them.
So little moments are starting to change things for me. I used to fear change tremendously. I now see that change can actually free me from things I hate to begin with, much less enjoy doing. Hallelujah, I can stop being my mother and father thru behavior, and let them rest in peace.
Do not be afraid, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Patricia
Tuesday, June 19, 2018
Beginning Meditation
Body awareness
Started meditation today. Began to really feel my body. Holy crap, my body is so sad. I have been ignoring my body for my whole life. Mostly. I mean, there were times on acid that I really felt alive and completely in my body. It’s no wonder acid was my drug of choice. I felt completely loved by myself within myself, a very unusual state for me, and a very rare one.
Today, I was completely striaght. No Marijuana, nothing. Just me.
My body is the holder of all the horrible things that have happened to me, or that I have done in my life. I used to run from these emotions, but today they just felt natural. And there is no way I want or intend to run from them. I am really actually excited to start this journey, painful as it might be.
I am about 2 weeks away from being 64. It would be very nice to be able to wake up and not dread another day. To wake up and feel excited, like when I was a child and it was the beginning of summer vacation. In short, to really enjoy life itself.
I think this will start to happen, as I meditate each day and continue the process of letting go. What an awesome gift to have been given. I thank my friend online that just popped up and before you know it, told me about this process and how liberated he is now.
I will hopefully be writing every day, so I’m hoping others will check this out.
Sincerely,
slowly emerging Patricia
Body awareness
Started meditation today. Began to really feel my body. Holy crap, my body is so sad. I have been ignoring my body for my whole life. Mostly. I mean, there were times on acid that I really felt alive and completely in my body. It’s no wonder acid was my drug of choice. I felt completely loved by myself within myself, a very unusual state for me, and a very rare one.
Today, I was completely striaght. No Marijuana, nothing. Just me.
My body is the holder of all the horrible things that have happened to me, or that I have done in my life. I used to run from these emotions, but today they just felt natural. And there is no way I want or intend to run from them. I am really actually excited to start this journey, painful as it might be.
I am about 2 weeks away from being 64. It would be very nice to be able to wake up and not dread another day. To wake up and feel excited, like when I was a child and it was the beginning of summer vacation. In short, to really enjoy life itself.
I think this will start to happen, as I meditate each day and continue the process of letting go. What an awesome gift to have been given. I thank my friend online that just popped up and before you know it, told me about this process and how liberated he is now.
I will hopefully be writing every day, so I’m hoping others will check this out.
Sincerely,
slowly emerging Patricia
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