Skin Cancer Mrsa and the hysterical patient....me.

Just got back from the dermatologist.  It's now official, I have 2 places on my right leg near the foot that are skin cancer.   The wonderful thing is, they are not the dreaded melanoma. (Read baaaad cancer that spreads.)  So yeehaw thank you Jesus literally!

Who would think taking a biopsy on a small place on the leg could be so painful?  Apparantly I have next to no pain receptors as every dang thing hurts me to the crying level.  This was no different.  They had to numb the area (read stick in a needle/inject a burning lidocaine dose). Only they had to numb it oh about 4 times.  (Read major ouch!)  Then they took a RAZOR BLADE and just shaved off some skin.  Thank God for lidocaine!  So far the lidocaine is still working.   So now the hardest part according to Tom Petty-the waiting.  Hurry up Jan 2nd!

Now for the second part of the story.  I have MRSA.   And I have an active infection at the moment.
Again, thank you Jesus! I decided to have them look at this as well.  It's in the actual crease of my leg in the crotch area.  Having had a very bad-could-have-killed-me infection this last January, I decided to be pro-active this time.  (Not usually how I behave since i am a whiney-butt coward when it comes to the health issues.)   I am so glad I did. I had a surgeon's appt Jan 2nd to see about removal.
Well, thanks to my sister-in-law, it's not MRSA.  It's a condition known as Hydrodenitis Suppertiva.

I say Thanks to my Sister-in-law because she has had this condition since January and just now found out what it is.  Even though it's a condition that can not be erased once you have it, at least it's not MRSA!  Unfortunately the Dr had to take a syringe and inject me in the wound with steroids.
I thought that was going to hurt the worst but surprisingly it was the least pain.  So now this part of the journey is done.

I have a lot of emotions about all this.  I am pissed that I have the cancer.  I am scared of the upcoming removal of the skin cancer.  And i am also having sadness that it took cancer for me to realize i have been neglecting myself for years.  All that time lost.  Using my body to direct self-hate
against me.  The self that is me, I am so sorry.  How could I be so blind, so mean?  I hope I can forgive myself.  That would be an awesome gift for the New Year.

Thank you to anyone who reads this.

Sincerely,
Patricia

On being used (by God)

I know it's been a while since I wrote.  I have to be moved pretty deeply to do something so disciplined as write.  And I am moved today.

I am a born again Christian. I don't write about this a lot, but it's not due to any shame.  I have always erred on the side of not being a pusher.  God lets me know when He wants me to say something.
I have been getting closer to Him lately, and am having more experiences where He leads me exactly where He wants me.  Today is a good example.

I served at my food pantry today as a volunteer.  I usually serve on Wednesdays and Fridays.  Lately I have been asking God to show me the people that He wants me to help out with prayers.  I prayed with and for a couple of people today.    So I got home early afternoon and was doing things here and my husband says Oh by the way, the toilet isn't working right.  I was like oh damn I didn't want to hear that.  Our fourplex had just been sold and i have no idea how to reach the new owners.  So I was stewing about the apartment just lightly foaming at the mouth.  (That's good, usually I am steamrolling about the apartment.)

So I was trying to decide what to do, walk to the store and get a plunger with my last couple dollars, or what?  Then I got a bright idea.  See if there are any neighbors I could borrow a plunger from.
So I walk outside and look at all the neighboring 4 plexes.  There gad been a cluster of people at the next door plex, but now they were all gone.  So I see the next one over has a woman at her car with the hood up.  So I just head over there.  I asked her and she said sure.  So then I asked if she could use some food, as I had some things that would go to waste in our house.  The answer was yes, in fact she said she had been wondering what she was going to do for herself and her two dogs.  Turns out they basically had next to nothing.  So I took her some food and used the plunger and just like that the toilet was fixed.  

This was truly a God thing.  I had asked to be used by God and here He used a toilet to introduce me to a neighbor that I never would have known who really needed some help.  I am going to church tonite to bible study and will get some more things for her.  God has been truly awesome to me and my husband time out of mind.  It makes me feel so good to help someone else like this.  I am taking no credit here.  God used me and it's awesome.  And by the way, earlier when I said I got a bright idea?  Once again it was His idea.  Just sayin'.

The Found and the Surliness

The Found and the Surliness

I was molested as a child, mentally emotionally and physically.  I have been fighting this knowledge for years.  Pressing it down, doing what Veruca Salt sings about in her song, Seether.  "I tried to rock her in the cradle. I tried to knock her out.  I tried to cram her back in my mouth."
Well, I just got thru binge watching a show i just heard about.  One Mississippi with this awesome actress comedian, Tig Notaro.  It's semi autobiographical.  She was molested as a child.  Years later she comes home for her mother's funeral and lots of things happen.

There were only 2 short seasons.  The great thing is, I used this show to try and help myself break thru my denial.  You see, i am also the seether, and my life is so messed up at this point I am nothing but angry all the time.  Can't relate to my husband at all.  Havent' had sex in 5 years.  Bottom line, hate myself for being a victim. All because of denial. Didn't want to admit any of this to myself.  Sure didn't want to own it.  Much less feel it.  Thank you Tig, for this show.  Thank you for sharing yourself unashamedly.  I am shaking right now due to long repressed emotions about being victimized.  I think the anger is finally breaking thru to my conscious self.  I now see I had repressed the anger because if I let it out it would really be real.

Well it is REAL.  Seriously freakin livid.  The last song from the last episode is Alive by Sia.  So totally appropriate.  Just a few of the lyrics are "You took everything, I'm still breathing."
Omg.  I have found my anger, the real anger.  What a total relief.  I was so afraid that I would just crumble into a little heap in a corner somewhere and die.
This pain is so intense.  Just found another song by Sia "Bird Set Free".   A lyric says "there's a scream inside".  So totally true.  I have literally been screaming inside for years.   I have finally realized it has to be screamed aloud. 

I really want to be done with this repression.  I will now call a spade a spade.
I am a SURVIVOR!  I was so ashamed.  I blamed myself and used denial to facilitate the secrecy
that is demanded with regards to this subject by most of society.  Thank God literally for the truth.
I believed that truth would set me free from everything except this one area.  Well truth sets everything free, even sexual abuse/violation/molestation.  How could I have been so totally blind?
The denial allowed me to be abusive, especially to the people I love.  If I deny love, then I can pretend nothing ever happened.  Because that means I don't feel anything.  Except I do.  I did and do feel everything. 

Thank you a million times, Tig Notaro.

The Problem with Lying

The problem with lying

I had a really horrible upbringing.  My mom had manic-depression, which I didn’t figure out until way long after she had died.  I grew up in/on an emotional battlefield.  The problem with that is this.  On a real battlefield, you can pretty much tell where the danger is.  Not so much on an emotional battlefield. 

Places that you had thought were safe can turn almost instantly into very dangerous environments.
The battlefields change too, sometimes from minute to minute.  There absolutely are no rules at all.
So, I learned to lie.  Not to mention the biggest original lie of all, the “We love each other, can’t you tell by the smiles in the millions of warm family photos?”
 
Unfortunately, I am still lying in my current life.  Most of all to myself.  But also to others in my life.
This is a huge problem. For one thing because I am a born again Christian.  So lying is absolutely not ok.  Talk about huge hypocrisy.  Lying is insidious.  And people don’t trust you once they find out.
I mean, who can blame them?  Would I believe me if I were them? Of course not.

And there is a huge question of self trust. What the heck is that?  I have no credibility with myself.
I must tell you this is extremely painful.  And the worst part of this for my husband and friends is, I don’t always lie.  I’m really sad about this.  It has to stop or I won’t have any friends and certainly not a husband.  It seems like such a simple problem, but it’s not. There are layers upon layers in this head of mine.  I am hoping that the meditations and the writing will help me strip the layers off.

I want to be good.  I want to be honest.  I want to be a person that does the right thing. I can only start by being good to myself.  And that means facing the horrible truths about myself and accepting them.
I have hated myself for far too long. The lying is a huge reason why.  I’m stepping up to the plate.

Please let me be able to come to terms with myself.




starknaked patricia

Meditation Day 5 Deeper body awareness

It's day 5 of my new meditation practice.

Today I was asked to start to sense body discomfort, and more importantly
my reaction to it.  My body has deep sorrow in it.  It was hard for me to do the meditation all the way after sensing my sorrow. 
Tears are still rolling down my face and I'm awash with grief.
Years of me using my body to drown my grief with food or drugs.  The meditation guide said to give in to the pain instead of fighting it.  I am doing that.  I was so scared, afraid that the pain would swallow me up until there was nothing there but hurt.  No self, just hurt. 

Amazing but true, I'm not gone or erased due to the intense pain.  In fact, feeling it and allowing it to be has had just the opposite effect.  Once I allowed the grief to be, it subsided.  In fact I feel quite a bit better.  There is a difference now in how I'm experiencing this pain.  I am aware that it's in my body, instead of masking it.  I was afraid the awareness again would remove everything else.
Instead, I feel more at peace from letting it BE.

I see that this meditation is, among other things, a way to really know myself.  I was so afraid of that
before i started this.  Now I see it's ok to have a self. 
Now if I can just stop eating sugar.

Slowly existing Patricia

Meditation Musings day 2: Budding Awareness"

Second day of meditation series.  Even though it’s only day 2, a subtle shift is happening already.
I now catch myself looking at my surroundings, really looking.  I used to look without seeing.
That’s changing. 

I have huge anger issues.  Today I was walking and needed to cross the street.  I got mad because a car came along and I had to wait.  I forgot to mention it was raining and I had no umbrella.  So I cussed the car out.  Immediately I was like, wow, what a waste of energy.  I was also reminded that I had just thrown a handful of negative energy into the collective environment.

 It’s the everyday moments like that, that matter in the overall picture.  I begin to see that after years of little moments like this we all of a sudden look again and see OMG where did that reservoir of anger come from?
Why do I always feel like there is a huge ball of molten lava in my chest?   Because of moments like these.  Especially if you never find a way to release them.

So little moments are starting to change things for me.  I used to fear change tremendously.  I now see that change can actually free me from things I hate to begin with, much less enjoy doing.  Hallelujah, I can stop being my mother and father thru behavior, and let them rest in peace.

Do not be afraid, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Patricia

Beginning Meditation

Body awareness

Started meditation today. Began to really feel my body.  Holy crap, my body is so sad.  I have been ignoring my body for my whole life.  Mostly.  I mean, there were times on acid that I really felt alive and completely in my body.  It’s no wonder acid was my drug of choice.  I felt completely loved by myself within myself, a very unusual state for me, and a very rare one.
Today, I was completely striaght.  No Marijuana, nothing.  Just me.
My body is the holder of all the horrible things that have happened to me, or that I have done in my life. I used to run from these emotions, but today they just felt natural. And there is no way I want or intend to run from them.  I am really actually excited to start this journey, painful as it  might be.
I am about 2 weeks away from being 64.  It would be very nice to be able to wake up and not dread another day.  To wake up and feel excited, like when I was a child and it was the beginning of summer vacation.  In short, to really enjoy life itself.
I think this will start to happen, as I meditate each day and continue the process of letting go.  What an awesome gift to have been given.  I thank my friend online that just popped up and before you know it, told me about this process and how liberated he is now.

I will hopefully be writing every day, so I’m hoping others will check this out.

Sincerely,
slowly emerging Patricia