I just realized something tonight. I fight with my husband all the time now because i am petrified of
intimacy. My mom died when we were angry with each other. I had longed for her love all my life,
her approval, her acknowledgement that I existed, that I was, that I am.We stopped talking because I
was 32 years old and still being verbally abused by her on the phone 1200 miles apart. I decided that
I had had enough. So I stopped talking with her altogether. A friend had told me that if I didn't
respond to her, then all she would have was her own words ringing in her ears. So I stopped
participating. But then I started wishing she would die, not realizing that I wanted the abuse to die,
but not my mom. About 8 months after we stopped talking, she did die. Every day in the month of
January 1985 I felt like I should call her, every single day. But I would always argue with myself,no,
why? just to be abused some more? So I didn't. Then she died. I was devastated. I still feel so
terribly guilty. So now I make my life a living hell. I'm scared he will die and leave me, so I don't
allow any closeness at all. I'm really pissed. This isn't fair to me. I suffered enough as a child with
totally dysfunctional parents. I have been in and out of therapy for years. I have a relationship with
Jesus Christ. And yet I hate myself. I blame myself for the childhood abuse. I have destroyed my
relationship with my husband. I am so totally abusive. Lord Jesus, I want to give this up. Please
help me submit to you God. You are my only hope. You are my only salvation. I praise you God in
the midst of my misery. Thank you for being my rock, my shining light, my salvation. I thank you
my Lord, the giver of love and refuge. I cannot do anything without you, and your favor. I am like a
small reed, being blown in the wind without direction. Only you give me strength. Thank you for
my life. I bow down before you.
Love, Patricia
