It's day 5 of my new meditation practice.
Today I was asked to start to sense body discomfort, and more importantly
my reaction to it. My body has deep sorrow in it. It was hard for me to do the meditation all the way after sensing my sorrow.
Tears are still rolling down my face and I'm awash with grief.
Years of me using my body to drown my grief with food or drugs. The meditation guide said to give in to the pain instead of fighting it. I am doing that. I was so scared, afraid that the pain would swallow me up until there was nothing there but hurt. No self, just hurt.
Amazing but true, I'm not gone or erased due to the intense pain. In fact, feeling it and allowing it to be has had just the opposite effect. Once I allowed the grief to be, it subsided. In fact I feel quite a bit better. There is a difference now in how I'm experiencing this pain. I am aware that it's in my body, instead of masking it. I was afraid the awareness again would remove everything else.
Instead, I feel more at peace from letting it BE.
I see that this meditation is, among other things, a way to really know myself. I was so afraid of that
before i started this. Now I see it's ok to have a self.
Now if I can just stop eating sugar.
Slowly existing Patricia
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