The Problem with Lying

The problem with lying

I had a really horrible upbringing.  My mom had manic-depression, which I didn’t figure out until way long after she had died.  I grew up in/on an emotional battlefield.  The problem with that is this.  On a real battlefield, you can pretty much tell where the danger is.  Not so much on an emotional battlefield. 

Places that you had thought were safe can turn almost instantly into very dangerous environments.
The battlefields change too, sometimes from minute to minute.  There absolutely are no rules at all.
So, I learned to lie.  Not to mention the biggest original lie of all, the “We love each other, can’t you tell by the smiles in the millions of warm family photos?”
 
Unfortunately, I am still lying in my current life.  Most of all to myself.  But also to others in my life.
This is a huge problem. For one thing because I am a born again Christian.  So lying is absolutely not ok.  Talk about huge hypocrisy.  Lying is insidious.  And people don’t trust you once they find out.
I mean, who can blame them?  Would I believe me if I were them? Of course not.

And there is a huge question of self trust. What the heck is that?  I have no credibility with myself.
I must tell you this is extremely painful.  And the worst part of this for my husband and friends is, I don’t always lie.  I’m really sad about this.  It has to stop or I won’t have any friends and certainly not a husband.  It seems like such a simple problem, but it’s not. There are layers upon layers in this head of mine.  I am hoping that the meditations and the writing will help me strip the layers off.

I want to be good.  I want to be honest.  I want to be a person that does the right thing. I can only start by being good to myself.  And that means facing the horrible truths about myself and accepting them.
I have hated myself for far too long. The lying is a huge reason why.  I’m stepping up to the plate.

Please let me be able to come to terms with myself.




starknaked patricia