The Found and the Surliness

The Found and the Surliness

I was molested as a child, mentally emotionally and physically.  I have been fighting this knowledge for years.  Pressing it down, doing what Veruca Salt sings about in her song, Seether.  "I tried to rock her in the cradle. I tried to knock her out.  I tried to cram her back in my mouth."
Well, I just got thru binge watching a show i just heard about.  One Mississippi with this awesome actress comedian, Tig Notaro.  It's semi autobiographical.  She was molested as a child.  Years later she comes home for her mother's funeral and lots of things happen.

There were only 2 short seasons.  The great thing is, I used this show to try and help myself break thru my denial.  You see, i am also the seether, and my life is so messed up at this point I am nothing but angry all the time.  Can't relate to my husband at all.  Havent' had sex in 5 years.  Bottom line, hate myself for being a victim. All because of denial. Didn't want to admit any of this to myself.  Sure didn't want to own it.  Much less feel it.  Thank you Tig, for this show.  Thank you for sharing yourself unashamedly.  I am shaking right now due to long repressed emotions about being victimized.  I think the anger is finally breaking thru to my conscious self.  I now see I had repressed the anger because if I let it out it would really be real.

Well it is REAL.  Seriously freakin livid.  The last song from the last episode is Alive by Sia.  So totally appropriate.  Just a few of the lyrics are "You took everything, I'm still breathing."
Omg.  I have found my anger, the real anger.  What a total relief.  I was so afraid that I would just crumble into a little heap in a corner somewhere and die.
This pain is so intense.  Just found another song by Sia "Bird Set Free".   A lyric says "there's a scream inside".  So totally true.  I have literally been screaming inside for years.   I have finally realized it has to be screamed aloud. 

I really want to be done with this repression.  I will now call a spade a spade.
I am a SURVIVOR!  I was so ashamed.  I blamed myself and used denial to facilitate the secrecy
that is demanded with regards to this subject by most of society.  Thank God literally for the truth.
I believed that truth would set me free from everything except this one area.  Well truth sets everything free, even sexual abuse/violation/molestation.  How could I have been so totally blind?
The denial allowed me to be abusive, especially to the people I love.  If I deny love, then I can pretend nothing ever happened.  Because that means I don't feel anything.  Except I do.  I did and do feel everything. 

Thank you a million times, Tig Notaro.